Dirty books are many things, but they are almost never anywhere near an accurate reflection of sex or even human anatomy. They’re flights of fancy; dreams of sordid and giggly shenanigans. Keep that in mind and you’ll be less likely to be disappointed when you fail to ever meet a man who is both an acrobat and a Duke.

I’m going to start this post with a small warning. While I’m not a crass or graphic person, I am going to be talking about sex scenes. I will be brief, but if it doesn’t gel with your comfort levels, I totally understand and will hopefully catch up with you in the next post.

Is that physically possible?

If it’s in the pages of a romance novel, probably not. Lord help me, I recently read a book, and it was a doozy.

I was on a brief vacation with my husband and a couple of friends and so I took a few books along. The one I’m discussing here was a historical romance novel. It had a very standard-style regency, flowing gown and tender embrace sort of cover. It looked dreamy and romantic; no real issues there.

As it turns out, however, it was quite a dirty book. Much dirtier than I was expecting and more than I would usually go for. But I was literally on an island, there was a bit of actual storyline behind all the grunting and heavy breathing and I wasn’t awash with options. So, I went ahead and read it.

Surely, she would die?

This is the part where I must beg your pardon as the conversation turns to generously proportioned man-bits. The hero in this particular tome is kinky, controlling and…tall.

Put it this way, when he reveals himself to the heroine for the first time, he’s in a very good mood, and his endowment is referred to as reaching ‘several buttons up on his waistcoat’.

Several buttons up on his waistcoat.

I took a moment to reassure myself that I did, in fact, know what a waistcoat was. And unless the buttons were small and bunched unusually low, it seemed unlikely. And unsafe. He’d puncture her stomach or something, and that is not sexy.

I completely realize that this is fiction and a bit of cheeky fun. But come on. I was giggling like a ninny as I pictured this man being able to tap his shoulders and knight himself with his own personal blade. (And yes, I’m giggling like a ninny even now.)

That’s not all

Later on, this same petite and milky-fair young damsel performs an act upon his person. Let’s just say it’s one that would have punctured her stomach from the other direction. That would be an incredibly undignified way to perish.

The author then throws in more interesting mental imagery regarding mass and circumference. Girth, if you will. And honeyed phrases such as ‘like a tree branch, it bobbed under its own weight’. Dang.

This wasn’t a sci-fi barbarian/alien type of story. This guy was human and…I’m not saying it’s impossible but…yeah. The descriptions and so forth went on quite a bit. He wouldn’t be able to just go and buy trousers off the rack, put it that way.

So, live and let live, certainly. But let’s take a moment to put this sort of concept into modern terms we can all readily grasp. (Shouldn’t have said ‘grasp’, I suppose.)

Now, with him casting a mighty shadow over his own waistcoat and her not being able to close her fingers around it, I want you to picture a tall, dark and handsome Scotsman with a can of Pringles nestled in the front of his trousers. Any flavor you fancy. Are you picturing it? Good.

Now giggle with me over the absurdity and feel a bit lighter about life in general. That’s the power of books, my friends.

Was this entire post just you being a goof about a dirty book?

Yes, it was. I regret nothing.

Well, maybe that wasn’t entirely it. I will again say that this is where really young and inexperienced ones need a bit of protecting. Anyone who doesn’t have a lot of experience in the physical aspects of love and relationships will get all kinds of mixed up over stories like this one.

Girls shouldn’t expect the average man to be endowed with a javelin, and boys shouldn’t feel inadequate when they don’t grow a third leg. And there were, as expected, many other moments and conversations in this book that would be unlikely to foster healthy or happy relationships in real life. But it all came to a spiffy and dewy-eyed conclusion in print.

We’re best off remembering that silly, dirty books aren’t intended to educate (hopefully); they are there to entertain the readers that go for that sort of thing. And so, choose wisely and appropriately…and smile the next time you walk down the snack aisle at the grocery store.